At the end of every year I have this sort of "tradition" where I take a good amount of time to review everything I've written in my journal from that previous year. All of my prayers, requests, dreams, visions, journal entries, things I'm thankful for...everything. It's a really cool way to go into the new year. I make note of highlights, I transfer all of the dreams I recorded into my dream journal, and just reflect on what God has done and what He has spoken to me all year long. I've been doing this for the past 3 years.
This year News Years felt like nothing to me. Nothing had changed, and I didn't feel like enough had happened to reflect on and transition to a new journal. I realized that I had been a weird season and it wasn't over yet. So I decided to continue to write in this journal.
It was strange doing so. I mean BIG things happened last year. Right in time, God provided my dream job and more. It was SO Him and His timing is always perfect. That was huge. And I'm still so grateful for it. Even though every job has it's pile of problems, God has blessed me for all of the crap I've had to put up with at various summer/school jobs. I realize that this really does not happen to many, and I do not take it for granted. Ever.
The next year, my "sister" had her first baby and he instantly became my nephew. I don't think I've ever loved someone this much, even though it's a somewhat different kind of love. This kid is so special and close to my heart and he hasn't even spoken a word yet. I've never had a bond like that with any other kid before. I'm completely smitten by him. And yet still, it felt like there was no big change in my life.
This year, 2012, has actually been very different from previous ones. I've felt very dead, very dry, totally numb and just not experiencing the presence of God in my life. I came to a point where I realized that maybe it was just the season that I was in. Maybe it doesn't mean much and I'm to remain faithful. I could hit snooze for another half hour in the morning. I could do something else with my time at night. I mean, I'm not hearing/feeling/getting anything, right? What does it seem to matter right now? Well, I'm learning that it's a sacrifice. Do I really care about all the measurements of the temple in Ezekiel? No, not really. But I'm going to read it anyway. Am I learning anything at the moment? Is my soul any lighter? Not really. But it's been teaching me faithfulness. Because that's life. So I continued to do so.
It's amazing what making amends with someone can do. What kind of breakthroughs happen when you reconcile. It was something I never really cared or wanted to do and wouldn't have if God hadn't told me to. Halfway through the year and I FINALLY hear His voice. Of course it's something I don't want to do. But I sucked it up and did it anyway and God was way bigger than I could have imagined. In fact, it was sort of an answer to one of my prayers. He never answers in the way you think He will.
My mornings have been more peaceful, I've had more joy in my heart than all of this year, and I'm singing again. I hadn't even noticed that I had stopped nor did I realize how much I missed it. So I made a new entry in my journal about it all. Then I started reading previous entries leading up to the newest and I heard God say "It's time you started moving into your new season. This is YOUR personal New Years."
I leave for vacation on Friday night and I'm taking part of it to start over and reflect on this previous season as I'm entering the new one and I'm really looking forward to doing so. Someone once told me that it's never about the season you're in. It's about the season you're going into. I think they were right. I think the next season is going to require new amounts of faithfulness and who knows what else. But I'm ready. I'm happy to feel somewhat alive again.
Sincerely,
Fergus The Brave
