Happy New Year!

At the end of every year I have this sort of "tradition" where I take a good amount of time to review everything I've written in my journal from that previous year. All of my prayers, requests, dreams, visions, journal entries, things I'm thankful for...everything. It's a really cool way to go into the new year. I make note of highlights, I transfer all of the dreams I recorded into my dream journal, and just reflect on what God has done and what He has spoken to me all year long. I've been doing this for the past 3 years.

This year News Years felt like nothing to me. Nothing had changed, and I didn't feel like enough had happened to reflect on and transition to a new journal. I realized that I had been a weird season and it wasn't over yet. So I decided to continue to write in this journal.

It was strange doing so. I mean BIG things happened last year. Right in time, God provided my dream job and more. It was SO Him and His timing is always perfect. That was huge. And I'm still so grateful for it. Even though every job has it's pile of problems, God has blessed me for all of the crap I've had to put up with at various summer/school jobs. I realize that this really does not happen to many, and I do not take it for granted. Ever.

The next year, my "sister" had her first baby and he instantly became my nephew. I don't think I've ever loved someone this much, even though it's a somewhat different kind of love. This kid is so special and close to my heart and he hasn't even spoken a word yet. I've never had a bond like that with any other kid before. I'm completely smitten by him. And yet still, it felt like there was no big change in my life.

This year, 2012, has actually been very different from previous ones. I've felt very dead, very dry, totally numb and just not experiencing the presence of God in my life. I came to a point where I realized that maybe it was just the season that I was in. Maybe it doesn't mean much and I'm to remain faithful. I could hit snooze for another half hour in the morning. I could do something else with my time at night. I mean, I'm not hearing/feeling/getting anything, right? What does it seem to matter right now? Well, I'm learning that it's a sacrifice. Do I really care about all the measurements of the temple in Ezekiel? No, not really. But I'm going to read it anyway. Am I learning anything at the moment? Is my soul any lighter? Not really. But it's been teaching me faithfulness. Because that's life. So I continued to do so.

It's amazing what making amends with someone can do. What kind of breakthroughs happen when you reconcile. It was something I never really cared or wanted to do and wouldn't have if God hadn't told me to. Halfway through the year and I FINALLY hear His voice. Of course it's something I don't want to do. But I sucked it up and did it anyway and God was way bigger than I could have imagined. In fact, it was sort of an answer to one of my prayers. He never answers in the way you think He will.

My mornings have been more peaceful, I've had more joy in my heart than all of this year, and I'm singing again. I hadn't even noticed that I had stopped nor did I realize how much I missed it. So I made a new entry in my journal about it all. Then I started reading previous entries leading up to the newest and I heard God say "It's time you started moving into your new season. This is YOUR personal New Years."

I leave for vacation on Friday night and I'm taking part of it to start over and reflect on this previous season as I'm entering the new one and I'm really looking forward to doing so. Someone once told me that it's never about the season you're in. It's about the season you're going into. I think they were right. I think the next season is going to require new amounts of faithfulness and who knows what else. But I'm ready. I'm happy to feel somewhat alive again.

Sincerely,
Fergus The Brave

Oh, the humanity...

I've come to the conclusion that I really do not like people in general. At all. And I don't have compassion for them. I know we're called to love, but I don't have it in my heart to do so at the moment. I used to think that I'd never hate anyone, but you know what they say, never say never...

I never saw myself turning into a hard-hearted angry cynic. I feel like I'm just turning into someone I hate. I think when you start out being too nice and too forgiving and try to please people a little too much and let the world walk all over you, it's hard to eventually find a balance without just becoming the bitter opposite. Props to you if you have. I haven't found that balance yet.

Dreams

"Dreams feel real while we're in them. It's only when we wake up that we realize something was actually strange."

-Cobb from Inception

I've always been somewhat fascinated by dreams. Very recently that fascination has grown immensely. If I would ever go back to school, it'd probably be just to study them. They're just so interesting and the effect that they have on us is intriguing. I've had dreams before about a person that I have no romantic interest in, and then I wake up feeling different about them, as if maybe I had underlying feelings for them all along. How is that possible and why does that happen? I mean, usually it doesn't last but a day, but why would a dream have you concentrate on them that long that some weird feeling arises? Was that feeling there already? Or were you just now thinking about it a little too much?

This past weekend I had a dream two nights in a row involving a person I used to know. I woke up feeling different about them, not romantically, but any negative feelings I had towards them momentarily disappeared. But when I think about it, it's like the person in my dream is not the same person in real life. I know they haven't changed. So do I just take it as what it is? Just a simple dream that came from my subconscious and leave it at that? Is it God trying to speak to me about them? Nothing monumental happened in this dream at all. We both approached each other and this person said they wanted to talk and I agreed and that's all that happened. Which in real life, I don't know that I would have agreed to do so.

I do believe dreams can be prophetic or come from God, but I don't believe that they all are. So I'm left with just waiting on God I guess.

On a different note, last night I had the sweetest dream I've ever had in my entire life. I dreamt that I was with my future husband. I didn't know who he was in real life, I just knew in my dream I was with my future husband. I felt so safe and I felt at peace. We were outside of a beautiful place that looked like it was a castle. It was a warm fall day with brightly colored trees and we were dancing. I've never danced with anyone like that before. Well, I've never really slow danced with the male gender period. But it was the most romantic thing I've ever felt, and the sweetest dream I've ever had.

What do you love about you?

Today someone posted this as their facebook status:

“Can you come up with at least 10 answers to this question? ‘What do you love about you?’” A year and a half ago, I wouldn’t have been able to get past one. But today, I realized that I can totally answer that question. And I challenge everyone to do this. There is SUCH freedom to be who you were meant to be when you realize that you are a masterpiece. Why insult the creator of the masterpiece? This isn’t an ego booster. Just do it.

1. I love my personality and my quirks. They’re kind of cool.

2. I love my taste in music. I might even become snobbish about this, but I seriously love the somewhat eclectic taste that I’ve acquired.

3. I love my figure. I used to hate it, and yeah, it’s hard to find clothing that fit it, but I’ve come to love it. If they’d just bring the 40’s and 50’s back, everything would be fine!

4. I love my pale skin. Again, I used to hate it, but I’ve grown fond of it, and I don’t even really want to tan ever again.

5. I love my eyes. They have this cool thing going on where they’re blue, but they have this hazel-ish/green-ish ring around the pupil.

6. I love that I have a thing for the impossibles.

7. I have a GREAT sense of humor. And I’m REALLY funny. Go ahead, ask my friends.

8. I love all of the creativity and imagination I’ve been blessed with. From design to dance to video, to even just appreciating all kinds of creativity. I can’t imagine not being this way.

9. I really love my brown hair. I’m not dying it again. I used to want to be a red head, and now I can just greatly appreciate the color.

10. I love my style. It’s constantly changing, and probably always will be, but I’m satisfied that it’s “me.”

If you have trouble doing this, go look at this, it might help:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qR3rK0kZFkg

I am so unbearably tired of boys and how stupid they can really be.

Dear Future husband,

I can wait.

Sincerely,

Laura

December

Can't come soon enough.

A Light in the Darkness

I've always been told about light and darkness, and how great it is to be a light in the darkness. And then, it finally clicked today when someone talked about this. If there is any light in any kind of darkness, the light wins—always. It's so true. No matter how large a dark, black room is. If someone lights a match, anyone in that room will be able to see it. Darkness can't hide light! So if ever you feel like maybe you were supposed to have a part in someone's life, or be that light in someone else's life, and you didn't feel like you did anything, remember—light in any kind of darkness wins. Always. It can be seen.