Impossible is my New Favorite Word

Before you read this, I ask you to watch this. Please, it's old, it's Julie Andrews, and it's only 5 minutes:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nHtoxJ8as1s

I downloaded this song the other day and put this on my iPod. As I was on the bus to NYC Saturday, it came on shuffle. I love Julie Andrews, and I'm a big fan of fairy tales, so this just made me happy. But then as I listened to it, the Holy Spirit began ministering to me about the impossible, and how this word is going to become a very happy task for me. My advisor, yes, my advisor here at school, gave me this verse: Luke 1:37 "For nothing is impossible with God."

He's been speaking to me so often and so much clearer lately, and it's wonderful. Jesus romances me in all sorts of ways, even through fairy tales :-) Even though the link is of Cinderella, how often do you ever see fairy tale lives and happy endings like those that are in fairy tales? I know, not often. But that's not my point. Impossible things are happening everyday. I've watched someone been prayed over and had hearing restored to their deaf ears. I've seen miracles, even if they're small, happen. I've heard SO MANY great stories of missionaries around the world seeing full blown miracles. I want to be ALL OVER THAT! Every ounce of me wants to see the impossible be reversed. I want to see with my own eyes greater things! 

"Very truly I tell you, all who have faith in me will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father." -John 14:12

This generation WILL see the Kingdom come to earth. This generation WILL behold the miracles we've been waiting for. This generation WILL see the next move of God, more powerful than EVER! This generation WILL experience His healing powers. I've said it before, I'll say it again, and I will disagree with you if you don't agree....I am living in the most exciting times to be alive ever. EVER! Tell yourself that everyDAY if you have to. I was born for such a time as this.

This gets my entire being excited...and I can start seeing and expecting things, right now:

Little story:

God's provided a college setting where I can openly and freely talk to my roommates about what I believe, and live a lifestyle like that. It's really cool, the conversations we've had have been wonderful. But I wanted something more. I talked to an older lady about this and she agreed with me, and was wondering if I could bring a bit of supernatural into the mix with my roommates, because a lot of talking is good, but there is no debate when the holy spirit comes into the room. So she gave me some things to look at and read and just encouraged me to pray for that and ask God to show me when the opportunity comes. 

Tonight, my roommate(who was previously in a minor car accident yesterday) came into my room and asked me to feel her forehead. She was warm, and she was afraid that there was a problem with her kidneys. 2 or 3 years ago she was hospitalized with kidney problems and now only 75% of her right kidney works (I think...) So she was really worried, has no insurance. She used my phone and while she was on the phone, I felt "the nudge." You know, that nudge that tells you to do something? I felt God telling me this was the opportunity I was waiting for. Go lay hands on her and pray for her.

I'm not gonna lie, I hesitated a bit...I didn't know how she'd take it, but I couldn't deny that it was God. So when she came back into my room I asked if she'd be comfortable with that, and she said yes and let me pray over her kidneys while laying hands on her back. I knew it was God, and she was thankful, and I trusted Him that He was going to make everything perfect, and I'm praying for the restoration of her kidneys (impossible? YES!) So she had our other roommate take her to the hospital to be safe, and she called me on her way back to tell me "YAY, JESUS! I twisted my back from the accident and that's it!"

I'm ecstatic. I found my passion. It's in the impossible. 

I was BORN to see the impossible happen.

Eternaphobia?

There's a thought that creeps into the back of my head every now and then. It's a thought that I don't like to entertain. I usually think about it until that I get that feeling. You know when you're on a roller coaster and you drop? It's kind of like that only worse. I've never understood the feeling, I've never understood why this thought freaks me out as much as it does to the point where I just don't think about it anymore.

Let me explain something before I explain my little uneasiness. I know with all of my heart, that because I accepted Christ as my personal Lord and Savior, and made Him King of my life, that I am headed home after my final breath. I cannot wait for that. I'm very truly excited for that day. I'm looking forward to it. Here's the clincher.

Eternity. No end. Never ending. Forever. And ever. Amen.

When I think about the fact that after this life on earth, I will be somewhere else forever, with no end, freaks me out like nothing else. No end? NO END? There's always an end to everything. It's time. It's how we live. It's how I live. To think about the fact that I'll never ever cease or be gone when I'm "home" should excite me. AND it does! To an extent. There's no way I'd ever want to change where I'm going and for how long. I'm not going to hell, it's not an option for me. I'd much rather be in heaven forever than hell. But for some strange reason, I feel uneasy about being someplace...forEVER. 

Again, this is not something I think about so often. But ever since I can remember really grasping the concept that since I'm a Christian and I live the way I do and made life long decisions, I will live in eternity with my Lord and King, the thought of eternity really freaks me out. Maybe I'm the only one. Maybe I have some sort of rare phobia that hasn't even been discovered yet. But to be completely honest...I don't like the thought of eternity. I don't like the thought of living forever and ever and ever and ever...............etc. etc.........and there being no end. I know I cannot comprehend what heaven will be like, I really have no idea. I know it'll be something that would blow my brains to shreds if I could see it as a human. And I don't know if I'm fully getting across exactly how I feel about all of this, or what it is I'm truly afraid of, or not even afraid. Just uneasy with. I don't know. I've never really been able to say it all out myself, nor have I been able to figure out why I feel the way I do. I've never really asked anyone about this, so I don't know if I'm the only one or if I'm not. 

Please...do NOT misunderstand me. I'm not afraid of heaven, of going to a place SOOO much better than the one we're in right now. In all honestly, it's just the thought of eternity and time that never ends that makes me stop thinking of it all together.

So....any thoughts?

My heart aches for home

No, it's not our ultimate home that I'm longing for right now. Don't get me wrong, I can't wait and look forward to it, but I believe I have a long life to live before that happens.

To be honest, I don't even feel at home in my new home. Yes, the home that I own. I don't know if it's because I haven't spent much time there yet since I move back to school the day we moved in or if I just am not feeling it as home this time around. I don't feel homesick, like I can't be away from home. Trust me, most of the time I'd rather just stay at school. I don't have to worry about the stupid lack of parking where I live. I enjoy my library and design job and getting a break from Panera. I get a lot more work done at school than I would if I was trying to at home. Working in a lab on the weekends full of people who are at the same stress level as you can be motivating and comforting. But right now, I'm struggling with putting school first. 

I miss being at home and not rushing back to school worried that I won't make it in time for something or another. I miss being able to take a nice Sunday stroll with my friends on a gorgeous day. I miss being able to go out to lunch or get coffee or hang out at my best friends house. I haven't been able to do that in an extremely long time, and now that she's back, I'm not really around. I miss family dinners throughout the week. I miss my kids SO much it's not even funny. I miss being able to do things around home, like praying with all of you ladies, I really wish I could be there physically.

I'm ok with giving up doing most of the work for the Christmas Eve service because there's no way I can do most of what I wanted to. But I still wish I could be there for most of everything. And I'm sure there's many more of a thing that I wish to be back in Bethlehem for. I know a lot of people can't stand being "stuck" in Bethlehem. That's fine, go somewhere else. Give me my Bethlehem any day and I'll be happy. 

Trust me, I know. I know that this is where I'm supposed to be right now. My advisor was even able to tell me that. I know that God has me here at this point in my life for a reason. Maybe I'll never know. Maybe it'll turn out that I'll find out soon or not until I graduate. And I've already went learned this over the summer. If you give things to God; the good, the bad and the ugly, He'll work it for His good. I'm trying to trust that and know that He knows what He's doing. He's proved that to me time and time again. I just wish a wind of motivation would come. Perseverance or something. I'm asking Him for an Ali type of revelation :-) That He would reveal to me in His timing why the heck I'm still in school. Because I want this part of my life to end and for the next chapter to start. Am I scared? HECK YES. The idea of not being a student anymore and jumping into the real world is very scary, indeed. But this is the first time in my life where the feeling to move on, start a new season, has never been so deep down to the core of my being. I feel like I'm floating but stuck, and not going or drifting anywhere. So, I guess I'm just hoping for revelation. For something big to happen. Something that gets me excited. Something that motivates me. Something that...

 

Musical Stairs

Very smart.

Sand Art

Can you say "WOW" ???

Ps. I'm so unmotivated...unfocused...just not feeling anything that has to do with school right now...I just want to be done, I've had it.

Shirin Neshat

Ok, so in my art history class, I got really inspired today. Like...really. Jan, this is mainly for you, but Shirin Neshat's work is beautiful. I really was inspired by it today. Not only does she do these photographs, but she also makes video, so of course I was attracted to her work. It made me think that maybe this is the kind of thing we should do if we can get our Christmas photo's hung up. Like, maybe we have on each picture, text that's done by hand ontop of the photo's. I was thinking, depending on what pictures we use, that say on one with Keenan in it, we have her describe the feeling of what Mary was feeling at that moment when the picture was taken. Very abstract, not literal, but makes the viewer really think about it. So, keenan could either write it herself, or I could, but it would be the same looking handwriting for each character. How do you feel about that? And really, anyone else's opinion's are greatly appreciated!

And this is how it happened.

This morning marked a historical moment in my life. I will never forget it. And I can't speak for everyone this morning, I can only share my view, how I experienced it. 

Just about 5 months ago my world was a mess. I was in an awful place and I had just got out of something that was so unhealthy and horrible. I knew that since I was probably at my lowest, I couldn't do anything but decide to go up. And so I replaced the old bad stuff, with some good new stuff.  

I basically decided to jump into a new project in dance. I hadn't danced with my girls in a very long time, and I missed it dearly. So, a few of us met and started searching for songs. The only direction we had to go with was what Grubby had been talking about since school ended for me. Favor. I'm sure we all know this by heart now..."In a season of favor, ask for favor, and the time of favor is now." It took us two or three meetings until the last song we listened to was "Rain Down" by Delirious. It clicked. It was exactly what we were looking for! Holy fire...rain down favor...I mean, it just made sense to all of us. Practices started soon after. Bekah and I mapped out and outlined what the dance would look like. I thought "Hey, what if we used sticks in this dance somewhere?" "What if we had a bunch of people worship with us at the end?"

And of course, complications will arise when you ask for a large amount of people, but we thought it would be cool, and it wouldn't hurt to ask. So, lots of planning preparation, choreography, practicing, asking people to join us, speaking to church secretaries, associate pastors, and ironing out many many details began.

This is where this starts to get cool. I can't remember them all, but God started showing me there was significance in rain. He spoke to me through it. That made me think that this dance was really important to Him. I started getting more and more excited, and felt like this was going to coincide with what we all were seeing as to be a shift in the atmosphere and really in the way old things were going to be gone. So, I decided I would have people pray over this. 

Then at practice a few weeks ago, we were working on the part where we would bring in our worshippers at the end. And as I stood there and watched, God said to me "You really think it's just cool that these people are going to worship with you at the end? Nooooooooooooo. There is MUCH significance in what I brought them here for, you have NO idea. THEY are ushering in the presence of the HS and bring in Heaven with them." And I went..."oooooooohhhhhhhhhh."

Then one of the ladies who was praying for this dance approached me one Sunday morning to pray over me and the dance and to give a vision/word she got one night while she was praying. She told me that she saw a tornado. And in that tornado were strands of DNA that were coming down from the sky in the center of this tornado. And she as like, ok God, that's cool, what does this mean? And He told her that the DNA of Heaven was going to fall that morning when we danced. 

Wow. Was that not awesome? Wait...that's right on with what God told me! Woo-hoo! This is going to be great!

Everything came together. God brought the people. He worked everything out. I could feel His presence SO strongly during rehearsal the day before, and definitely the morning of, AND when we all prayed together. We almost had to give Ali the mic to lead worship while Vickie almost fell on the floor. Thanks to Cara, who caught her cup of coffee, there was no spill :-)

And then we did it. It was like my baby. Not to say I did all of the work, we all worked so very hard and I am so appreciative to everyone who helped in any way at all. This was just something that I looked at this morning....from where I was, and to where God brought me, equals SO FAR! 

All of the hard work, dedication and love that was put into that finally happened. And it was nothing like I had ever even comprehended would happen. It was mind blowing, goosebumping, knock your socks off morning. I mean, after it was over, worship was insane. I've never experienced anything like this in my entire life. It was like Heaven came to earth. We were in the throne room. The angels were singing and worshipping with us, and the atmosphere completely shifted. I was happy. So joyous. I've never felt this way in my entire life. And I now know what the repercussions of obedience can do. It is quite simply amazing. I'm so excited to see what's to come, because I know this is just a TASTE of what's to come! I'm asking for more, every single day.

Oh, and to everyone I told that big things were gonna happen this summer/year...

TOLD YA SO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (insert Winnie Banov laugh here...)