Grass, straw hats, and lemonade.

The winter chill has settled in her bones.
No drink or aliment will warm her.
Only thoughts of future sunny days...

She pictures herself in the hammock of their back yard.
The aroma of mid-May fresh cut grass drifts by their noses as they laze in the sun with their lemonade and iced tea.
If they're not careful, the cool breeze will blow their pages past their present reading.

She dreams about the Summer, the beach, the big straw hat she doesn't yet own.
The big beach blanket that will form her shape when she invites the sun to soak in.
And the water...the water that will cool the heat, the water that will toss and turn her till she's positively tired.

She imagines a warm September evening when the sky is painting its daily masterpiece.
Both in each others arms, while basking in their own favorite stories on their porch swing.
For it's the comfort, peace and accord she waits to feel when one can lay in another's arms and enjoy them. No talking, just reading.

She enjoys the summer in the winter.
She sees it better by closing her eyes.
She waits for it, for it's in that moment that she loves the summer.

The Well Known Chapter 4

Chapter 4 has made me inspired to write and to choreograph, both of which I haven't done in a while, and writing is something I don't feel I necessarily do well, I just like to write sometimes.

I picture a girl that comes up to his knees

She's in a white dress, holding a bouquet of silk flowers, wearing a white veil...waiting...

Wanting to be told she was beautiful and worth waiting for.

I picture a girl trying to capture his attention

She's in a red sequenced leotard that has the slightest tutu with ruffles and tulle, 

twirling and spinning, leaping and longing...

Longing to be told she was graceful and lovely.

I picture a girl who hides underneath the table.

She grips the chair in fear and stays still, afraid she'll be found...

The violent yelling and use of words doesn't make her want to be sought after...she wonders what her mother had done to deserve the harsh and frightening affliction.

I picture a girl who is in her teens, who starts to believe she wasn't worth his time. 

To her, he didn't think she was worth loving. Who could believe otherwise when those three words had never been uttered from his mouth?

She has given up after this last time of pleading for his presence at her performance and failing. He went out of his way to not be there.

I picture a young lady, trying to find herself though all the negativity shoved in her face.

The unrequited intimacy became so great that she was desperate for any kind of affection.

She was driven to whatever she could get, and eventually believed that degenerate, horrid men were all that she deserved and could possibly acquire.

I picture a young women who's just walked out of the eye of the storm. 

She's a bit tattered and bruised, but she's still alive, and surprisingly still holding on.

She learned that through this storm, she was forced into the hands of her Father and He drowned her in His love. 

She was finally able to see the clouds clearing, while the Son engulfed her. 

This women has learned that all things come to pass for a reason. That her hurt could somehow comfort and relate to someone else's. That the forceful storm might have tossed and turned her, but it released her into the arms of the One that could love her the best through it all.

This book (Captivating) tells us that fallen men seem to become one of two things; either driven and violent or silent and passive. My father was all of those things. He was present verbally and sometimes physically abusive when he felt he had to be, yet he was passive and absent in every other way; he fancied the company and characters that the tv offered him that his family obviously could not provide.

Even though I know that my true Father cherishes and treasures me, I can still see that little girl...the one who wanted to see her father as her knight in shinning armor, to know that he was strong and there for her to protect her always. The biggest heartbreak this girl has known was not the recurring story in her life of the boy she loved who chose the other girl over her. No, it was the one where her father never told her she was strong, beautiful, confident and loved.

I might seem that I have it all together.

Who does?

I know my Father loves me, I know my place in Him...yet I too, still ask those questions...

Am I lovely?

Am I captivating?

Will there be a man who one day, can see past my need to please everyone? To be perfect, to be pleasant and happy and funny all time. One who can see to the very core of my soul and not run away after seeing the damage that's been done to my heart? 

I still know One who continues to relish in me, through all of my faults. 

For now and forever, that will always be enough.

Fix You

I'm not good at writing about how I'm feeling, so my thing is to find a song that relates to what I'm currently feeling, because someone knew how I'd feel and they made it into a song.

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Reunion of a Friend

Today is the day....

I've waited five years for this...

The anxiety and excitement is so great I think my heart could explode...besides the fact that I cannot wait to see him today, it's really for the pure reason that my God, has decided that this could happen, after waiting and wanting it so long. He decided to dote on His daughter.

Lyrics...

Just lyrics to one of my favorite Blindside songs ever.

Ask Me Now

And so one morning just before dawn you came

Out of the forest towards my window
With a smile in your hand
As the moist air up to your knees started swirling like smoke
I saw your lips move
Asking did you lose something?
I stood glued to the window

Emotions running through my vein
Now I know a word I can't explain

I think I've known you all along
Just lost your face in the crowd for awhile
I think I have been holding my breath all my life
Can I exhale and go into exile
So ask me now and I'll run away with you

And so with the dawn you've come
Eye to eye with nothing in between but this fragile glass
Your lips move again
I try but I can't detect the vibrations in the air
And how I've longed to inhale your breath

It's still early and I see your words getting caught
In the window slowly turning into frost

I see your hand move and I can't detain
Scraping down a word I can't explain

I think I've known you all along
Just lost your face in the crowd for awhile
I think I have been holding my breath all my life
Can I exhale and go into exile
So ask me now and I'll run away with you

And so one morning before dawn you came

Did you loose something?
And so with the dawn you've come

How I've longed to inhale...

I think I've known you all along
Just lost your face in the crowd for awhile
I think I have been holding my breath all my life
Can I exhale and go into exile
So ask me now and I'll run away with you

God can find time for us.

I have been at school now for exactly a month. After the first week, things began to get pretty busy. I realized that the once Community College schedule I once had, was now gone, and was increase by about seventy-three percent. No, I did not do the exact math, however I am positive my guesstimate is fairly accurate. 

I knew before I got here that it was going to be an even harder challenge to continue or even increase my relationship with God. However, I knew that I could not do without Him. Not in the new atmosphere, not in the living arrangements, or people that surrounded me. I couldn't stop talking to him or read His word with the class load I was taking and the homework I was given. Not that this is the only time I should be thinking I need Him, I need Him all the time. But I needed to depend on Him at school even more. 

As a Communication Design major, you learn that sophomore year, your life is official over. The amount of work you do exceeds many majors, and people start thinking you just like school that much. Well, I do like school, however to stay at least on track, one must do school all the time and nothing else. In fact, right now at this very moment, I've probably just fallen behind 15 minutes in work...I think you get my drift. This started to make it very difficult to find time for God. I have 8 am classes, I work three days a week, and some classes go as late as 9:30 at night. There's literally no time through the day except for the homework you have to get done.

When school began and I started to sleep in my new place, I realized that I would wake up about twenty minutes to an hour earlier than my alarm was supposed to go off. For anyone who knows me well, this is absurd. Once I am asleep, I am asleep for good, and will not be woken until my alarm goes off. It's just the way I am. So when I started to notice this, I thought it was quite odd, and maybe just because my surroundings were new. With this in mind, I continued to ask God to spare me some time to spend with Him, and yet I still wasn't finding any. Until one Saturday when I was at home and I woke up an hour earlier than I had to. I sat up in bed, looked out the window at the beautiful day, and realized God had been and still was calling my name every morning. He was waking me up early enough to spend time with Him before my day got so busy that I couldn't fit Him in. It was one of those epiphanies, a moment where you realized how small you were and how big God is, and yet still felt overwhelmingly loved. After realizing this, I must admit, as a mere human being, I've struggled with not going back to sleep. But I still continue to ask God to call my name in the morning, and to give me the strength to not go back to sleep. 

P.s. IT'S FALL!

Did you ever have a friend...

This was written on September 7, 2007:

Did you ever have a friend...one who you had in end of middle school/beginning of high school, who became your best friend. Who you felt comfortable with, and could laugh with, someone who you'd consider your "first love". Someone you trusted completely, and they trusted you completely, shared things with each other that best friends would. 

Someone who decided to move away, and you were worried for that person. That you only wanted that person to be healthy and happy whatever he decided to do, and that's why you worried about them. That in the few weeks you had left with them, you became very close, and then maybe regretted that because you knew he was moving away. But you became close anyway. And then you promised each other that you would stay in touch, that he would come back and visit, which did happen, but slowly started disappearing. 

No visits...no phone calls...no emails...no instant messaging...and then it gets to be so long, you realize none of the contact information you have is no longer a way of reaching that person. So you think about them, and pray for them, and wish that you could see them, even just to make sure they're ok. 

As time passes on, you don't think about them that much. Hardly at all actually. Until once in a while they pop into your head at unexpected times. Unexpected dreams. And then just recently, it happens again...and you can't stop thinking about them, and no one really knows anymore of where they are or what they are doing. 

And you start to miss him again...and you can't get him out of your head...you just can't stop thinking of what he might be doing, how he might be doing...
And then you think maybe he's completely different since he's grown up and is an adult now. Maybe you wouldn't even recognize him if you passed him on the street, but you just miss him and love him and want him to be ok, and you want the promise of knowing he's ok. 

So all you have left to do, is search myspace and facebook, and anything else you possibly can, while praying every time he pops into your head that God would keep him close and safe and maybe someday....bring him back home so the missing might stop for once. 

Why would this person I haven't seen in almost four years be on my heart this often and this strong. Why would I still think of him so much and that God wouldn't let our paths cross....at least not yet...

Would it be ok for you to grant that one desire, Jesus?

Almost one year later (August 22, 2008) God decided to grant that desire. And He's exceeded my expectations of what it would be like to have this friend back in my life again.